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Friday, December 05, 2014

Two fifty or bust.

DREAM NINE
The ancient bus stutters to a halt, I get out and start to run up the hill. It’s raining hard and someone’s chasing me. I hate running and I hate rain, but most of all I hate hills. I can hear a man behind me, he’s shouting and he’s catching me fast. I reach the top of the hill and jump over an old stone wall, big mistake I realise, as I reach out and grab the overhead electric railway cable to break my fall. Just then I sense a train coming towards me, without thinking I let go of the cable and land on top of the speeding locomotive. I lie flat, clinging on for dear life, I’m soaking wet now and it’s still pouring with rain. After a few minutes the train pulls into a country station and I manage to clamber down onto the platform. I make my way outside, and board a waiting bus. The driver looks familiar, but I sit down near the back and hope the heater will help me get dry. The bus starts to move, but I have no idea where we are going. It creaks and groans as it begins to wind its way up a long wooded road. We overtake a cross country runner; I know I've seen him someplace before, but when and where? The bus is making a horrible gurgling noise now, and it all comes flooding back to me as the ancient bus stutters to a halt.
051214/250

Wednesday, September 03, 2014

To the poor/pure

BACKROOM KISSES
You dangle us like puppets on a string
Your husband and your other lovers
Your man and his mans man under your spell
Your mythical calligraphy and all
That numerology don’t baffle me
Psychology technology et vous
I don’t need drones and camera phones
Or mathematical ability
To figure out the things you say to me
You had me running for awhile
Naughty backroom kisses misses
In the secret stable holding hands
Who cares about the day we went aloft
Or if we did or didn't have a plan
Who’s twisting your other lovers now
Pure is pure like god is to the poor
And gold is good but not as good as god
Nobody understands you like I do
And to the poor and pure all things are pure
020914

Sunday, June 01, 2014

Ignoring red lights...

UP IN THE CLOUD
Up in the cloud
the cars criss cross
ignoring red lights

Up in the cloud
I always knew they could
why did we wait

Up in the cloud
where we all went
when the money ran dry

Up in the cloud
beneath the alien ship
where they can see what we do

Up in the cloud
waiting for you to come home
desperately trying to recall my dream

Up in the cloud
that came down before
the cars began to crash

Up in the cloud
under the cover trying to get warm
wishing I could get back to sleep

Up in the cloud
where everyone wakes up
a year late

010614

Monday, May 05, 2014

Another little song...

COLD HEART
Girly I tried to find your shop today
Retraced the steps from my place to yours
But it wasn't there it had gone away
I remember it well it had red doors

And a broken clock that didn't chime
I wanted to buy the record player
(You had it in the window last time)
And give thanks with you to god in prayer

I found the shop but you weren't there  
It was all locked up like your cold heart
Sometimes I think that you don’t care
Why do you have to be so smart

Cottonopolis was never like this
Before you came my little Miss
050514

Saturday, May 03, 2014

Disambiguation

MINI SAGA OUTBID
Monday’s are madding half insane
Idiots running the inmates fate
Nobody knows when to make the call
Imagination is only a game

Shout if you want to talk
Anti-establishment drowning in hate
Games not made for playing on boards
Abracadabra don’t use the phone

Only and even the lonely will fall
Unnatural as a deep sea diver
Tempting screws with a dodgy bent fiver 
Bald as beetroot and wrangler cords
I sit waiting for you to call home
Down here on the funny walk
020514/1

DISAMBIGUATION
(REVEALED)
Down here on the funny walk
I sit waiting for you to call home
Shout if you want to talk
Abracadabra don’t use the phone

Monday’s are madding half insane
Bald as beetroot and wrangler cords   
Imagination is only a game
Games not made for playing on boards

Unnatural as a deep sea diver
Anti-establishment drowning in hate
Tempting screws with a dodgy bent fiver 
Idiots running the inmates fate

Only and even the lonely will fall
Nobody knows when to make the call

020514

Thursday, May 01, 2014

Little song for Girly...

NaPoWriMo 
NaPoWriMo has finished for another year 
and you can read all my entries on
My pub-poetry page

Here's a little song I wrote for you -

GIRLY
Yesterday only you said
You didn't love me that way
But I'm stuck inside your head
And nothing we do is okay

But you couldn’t help yourself
Girly you're turning me blue
You should leave me on the shelf
For this love could never be true

Every day you change your mind
Will you won’t you leave that man
Who said that true love is blind?
You only want me ‘cos you can

And if you leave that man so fast
How long will our loving last?
010514

Saturday, April 05, 2014

My NaPoWriMo 2014

I'm doing the NaPoWriMo thirty poems in thirty days challenge again this April. I am posting them on my Naive Poet Danny Waise blog if you would like to take a look please come on over.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Like those advert guys.

FLOAT MY BOAT
I want to fly not drop out of the sky
High up from an aeroplane or mountain
Fountain upon fountain of youth reclaimed
Meditating contemplating something

Ringing in my ears tears on my boat race
Facing up to the fact that I can’t fly
Fly me to the moon no not me not I
Why can’t I just fly like those advert guys?

Wise up tie me to the end of your string
Fling me up in the air behind your Bentley
Gently enough for me to fly but not too far
Park in the lay-by and float my boat slowly

260314/1

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

The mother of invention...

HERE WE GO
Old vine moonshine new wine speak to my heart
My heart aches for the plans that we made
Made in England in the good old days
Ways that were wise once in another world

Other world charm we had it in spades
Fades into oblivion like the lights
The lights that stayed so bright for so long
Longing for a past that cannot return

Gurning like a fool outside the pub
The public face that still thinks that it’s cute
Cute as a cucumber cut into bits
Bits and pieces freeze on the candelabra

Brass monkeys wouldn’t be seen dead out there
Here we go the mother of invention…

220314 

Wednesday, March 05, 2014

Pudding crazy...

PLUCK THE BLUES
I saw her in the woods
but she didn’t wanna talk
she was much too busy to go for a walk
she was eating ice cream with a fork

She was really really really
really busy don’t you know
sitting there eating ice cream in the snow

Rats I got tennis bats for shoes
and a one string guitar to pluck the blues
I asked her to play
just for something to say

She said no way mate
I’m much to busy
to go out on a date

I said where do you get
your ice cream from

She said I get ripe bananas
from the Banana Factory
and I bung ‘em in the freezer
and I whiz ‘em up you see
then I sit here eating them
the whole of the day long

I said you’re pudding crazy
but you’re in my song
Repeat

050314

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

So what's new?

Previously posted in January 2007 

Madchester...

CONGESTION WHAT?
People are starting to see congestion charging as inevitable. In Manchester and certainly in Greater Manchester we are nowhere near ready for congestion charging. Yes, there are great queues of traffic entering the city every morning and the same people sitting in the same traffic hell every evening, trying to leave town. And yes the roads do appear to be fairly congested at the peak times. However, I believe the trafic jams are made by bad planning. Speed bumps on ambulance routes as I've mentioned before, bus lanes and cycle routes in the wrong places and worst of all, all those traffic lights. In addition to the above named obstacles there is the added problem of the 'No Left Turn' signals.
TRAFFIC LIGHTS
One of the things that really annoy me are traffic lights. They always seem to change when you don't need/want them to and they stay red for much too long. The other thing about these often unneeded trafficators (should be spelt traffic haters!) is the stupid system for people wanting to turn left. In England we have to wait till the light turns to green before we can turn left, which means that lots of people behind the left turner, also have to wait and so on, causing unnecessary delays. In some other countries, you can turn left if it's safe to do so. I know that we do have a few filter lights, in some areas, but in general not enough.
BUS LANES
Yes, of course we need bus lanes. but most of them are in the wrong places and actually cause congestion! The simple answer to bus lanes is to earmark dedicated streets as 'Buses Only' these busways can easily be made in parellel streets to the main routes, which would keep everybody happy.
CYCLE LANES
YES!!! YES!!! YES!!! We need more cycle lanes. Believe me, I am a cyclist and I can tell you that the cycle lanes on many of our roads in Manchester are about as good as a chocolate fire guard. What a waste of effort, time and money. Lots of cycle lanes run out at crucial places, cars park on them, potholes appear in them. Even on major routes, where parking isn't a problem, the heavy traffic is. In general car drivers don't see bicycles until the last minute. So, the best cycle lanes are the ones that run alongside the road, for example the little stretch that runs through Whitworth Park.
TAX ATTACKS TAX
Motorists are already very heavily taxed in this country. Fuel carries a high tax, then there is road tax and insurance and insurance tax. In addition there is VAT added to every purchase, including the sale of cars, servicing and parts. Then on top of that comes the stealth taxes like parking charges, clamping fees, towing away and storage fees if you park in the wrong place or for too long. These days local authorities even have the power to confiscate and crush your vehicle if you do something naughty.
PARKING
So, what am I saying? Make car parking free? No, far from it. You only have to take a ride down to The Trafford Centre to see what a disaster free parking can be. And I'm not talking about the congestion caused by shoppers at the place at all. No, I think that they should pay a small fee to park, say £1.00 This money would then go to build a rail link and a tram link. How simple a solution is that? I can hear your argument right now, You think that the only people that go to these giant shopping complexes are car drivers. Wrong! The Trafford Centre has a bigger bus station than most towns and this is where the congestion originates as the cars and busses fight for roadspace.
CAR PARKS
The car parks in Manchester are way too expensive and too difficult in many cases to access. People feel cheated when they arrive in a strange town and are confronted by stupid parking rules. Manchester should be building more car parks and making the developers of all these new buildings to build extra spaces for visitors to the city. Instead we have the crazy situation where the council discourages parking. This is real short term thinking and can only end in tears. A few years back we had this crazy thing where the council didn't believe in sporting competition and sports days etc. in schools were banned or at best frowned upon, a kind of political correctness gone mad. Then, all of a sudden a change of direction. Manchester applied to host The Olympic Games, when that failed a couple of times we went for The Commonwealth Games. So what's all this nonsense got to do with cars, congestion and parking? Well! read on!
READ ON
I know that global warming is the buzz word these days and anybody and everybody is jumping on the bandwagon and declaring their greenness to the world. Not least political parties and politicians. Local, national and international. In general the view is that we need to reduce harmful emissions from vehicles. Of course we do, but there are green alternatives that all of us can take advantage of right now. Firstly, we can say. 'My next car's going to be electric!' If that is too much of a dream, you can start by offsetting, and I'm not talking about planting a few trees to improve the environment that you've probably just destroyed by driving here in the first place. No, I think that there may be a way to generate a little bit of power as a by-product of your journey. Then to use this little bit of captured power to run a couple of light bulbs in the office or home or a computer or tv, perhaps. Well, maybe I am dreaming a bit but who knows what's round the corner?
HOME JAMES
I just read that the Madchester band James are reforming and are set to play the Manchester MEN Arena this year. I remember going to see them at G-Mex a few years ago. Sit down next to me!CASINO
Also today, they announced that Manchester is to build the first Super or Las Vegas style casino in Britain. That is of course, subject to the politicians having the final say. The slot machine area alone will be the size of a football pitch. That's a lot of pennies!
METROLINK
While I'm having a moan about transport, I might as well have a dig at the Metrolink trams. Who was it that said: 'What Manchester does today, the world follows!' Well, in England it seems to be true as far as the modern tram goes anyway. Since Manchester started her tram system, many other towns have coppied. The problem for Manchester is that we still only have three lines and a bit of a link across the city centre, when what we really need is a proper, affordable and frequent system that goes to the places where people live and work. what we've got and also for the most part, what is planned for the future, is a system that duplicates or replaces the existing railways. That's no good! Look at the Altrincham and Bury lines, they are overcrowded and expensive and they are running on the old British Railways routes. The Altrincham line is actually worse than when it was a railway track, the trains (now trams) still go to Piccadilly Station but Via G-Mex and a shed full of streets, how mad is that?
SOLUTION
There are no simple solutions as far as transport and transportation go. The government says that cities like Manchester will have to accept congestion charging if they want to get funding for public transport. The problem in Manchester is that we already have loads of dismantled railway routes, many of them are overgrown with wild trees and junk. Why can't we re-open these lines as tramways? Well, the cost would be prohibitive, they tell me. So, why can't we just tarmac these routes over and run busses on them? Well, that would be too easy I guess, and we would no longer qualify for government funding. And we wouldn't have to pay the congestion charge, would we?
BOILER UPDATE
Some of you may remember me going on about our central heating. Well, guess what? Magic, it's fixed! It took just three minutes to change a faulty valve and bingo! we have a silent heating system that actually works. That's three minutes to fix it and three months waiting time for the boiler man to come.
THE THRU FLOOR LIFT
We're still waiting for the man to come to fix the switch on the lift, we've only had to wait since July so far and I've heard that Electricians are pretty busy these days.
FINALLY
You can check out Nicola Batty's Newsletter (AT) rawprintz.blogspot.com
She's writing a work-in-progress-novel at the moment called The Space Between. I think that she's actually going to make it into a trilogy. Anyway, you can clink the link above and have a butchers hook yourself.
FINALLY FINALLY
PUNCTURES REPAIRED
One of the nasty things about cycling is the lack of places to tie your bike to outside shops. In the old days shopkeepers used to have a cycle rack outside their shops and you could park up and lock your bike to it. Some places still have them of course, mainly cycle shops, but surprisingly some supermarkets although I was told by the greeter at my local Asda, that they didn't encourage cyclists for reasons best left alone on this blog. Anyway, there's a dead good shop on Great Western Street, Moss Side called Henson's Hardware, they sell all sorts of ironmongery and diy things and the odd tyre, innertube, brake cable and puncture repair outfit. I go there all the time for any bits and pieces I need. It is also known as The Mop Shop as it does a nice line in mops and buckets. How much better it would be though if they had a cycle rack outside with a sign that read: Cyclists Welcome, Punctures repaired!
FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY
You can check out my really bad poetry blog StraightTalkingStreetTalkingSweet it has a poem called Salford Madness which deals with the cycle parking theme, sort of!
FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY
FAST FORWARD
Fast forward to 2014 - City are in the final of the Capital One Cup at Wembley after beating West Ham in the semi-final 9-0 on aggregate. Phew!

Thursday, January 09, 2014

And she went...

GONE FOR A SONG
Gone for a song
I don’t tell a lie
she was gone
She couldn’t wait
for blueberry pie

Gone for a song
she wasn't wrong
for a lifetime or so
she threatened to go

She threatened to go gone
before the dough was done
then the money was spent
and she went

No wait why what for
no goodbye
Gone for a song
I don’t tell a lie
she was gone
090114

Wednesday, January 08, 2014

Mountain high...

ME OH MY
When I look into your eyes
I can see a mountain high
I can hear a river flow
It’s like we’re dancing in the snow
When I look into your eyes
I can see you want to fly
I can hear that you know
It’s like there’s nowhere else to go
When I look into your eyes
I can see you want to cry
I can hear me oh my
It’s like we’re on stage in a show
When I look into your eyes
I can see a mountain high
I can hear a river flow
It’s like we’re dancing in the snow
When I look into your eyes
I can see you want to fly
I can hear that you know
It’s like there’s nowhere else to go
When I look into your eyes
I can see you want to cry
I can hear me oh my
It’s like we’re on stage in a show
080114

Saturday, November 02, 2013

Just for fun...

The following story was originally published in Nicola Batty's Newsletter Raw Meat in October and November 2006 and guess what? Nothing's changed.

FIFTY FIVE MINUTE RIDE…
I went for a fifty five minute ride on my mountain bike this morning. I didn't plan it that way, it just evolved. I had been threatening to do some strenuous exercise since the summer break and nothing had really happened. Until we had to go to Nic's Doctors this morning at St Georges near the Dry Rot church. I suggested that we should go over to the Bridgewater Canal and have a look at the new St Georges Island development. But nobody else seemed interested and I knew how difficult this stretch of towpath can be for Ziggy as we have walked it many times. So, I got the old bike out of the shed and inflated the tyres and rode to my hairdressers instead.
SAINT GEORGES OR BUST!
My barber Artie was busy and told me to come back in an hour, so I decided to go for a little cycle ride. I started out from Artie's on Claremont Road and headed west towards Princess Road where I turned northwards towards the city centre. I crossed Great Western street and Moss Lane and rode on past the Hulme Asda, through the new Science Park and eventually turned left onto Stretford Road at the Hulme Arch. I continued westwards to the Zion Centre buildings where I turned right into the newly landscaped park and cycled northwards to the million pound plus footbridge that spans the Mancunian Way. The bridge was a steep climb for an unfit overeater but I managed it in first gear. Coming down on the other side of the busy highway was the fun part and I was glad that my brakes still worked. A little jiggle to the right and then to the left around an NCP car park and I was out on the busy Bridgewater Way at the bottom end of Deansgate. From here I could see St. Georges church.
CASTLEFIELD BASIN
I crossed both carriageways of the main Chester Road and freewheeled towards the Canal Basin at Castlefield Quays. I checked my watch as I spotted the dark green water of the Bridgewater Canal in front of me. I had been cycling for fifteen minutes. There were a few narrow boats tied up on the canal side but no traffic on the waterway. To my right in the near distance stood the Venetian church. Today, however, I turned left onto the towpath where I was joined by a dozen or so middle aged joggers. I soon lost most of them as we had to climb the many little hump backed bridges that span the little wharves and inlets off the main canal. It is quite possible to ride at a good pace along this Castlefield stretch of the Bridgewater Canal but the cobble style stones in places do make it quite difficult and I do remember it is a nightmare for anybody in Ziggy.
POMONA STRAND
I cycled on past Hulme Lock and the still incomplete St. Georges Island development, which appears to tower out of the water. At this point the tow path got a bit hairy, the ground is a bit soft and it goes very narrow especially under the Hulme Hall Road bridge. The eighteenth century towpath continues to be a bit squashy for another hundred yards or so as you pass under the nineteenth century railway arches that carry the twentieth century trains and the twenty first century trams out of town. Once I got past Cornbrook Bridge the going was easier but still quite narrow. There was by now only one jogger in front of me and he turned back at Pomona lock (which allows boats from the Bridgewater canal to enter the Manchester Ship Canal.) The only obstacles in my way now were a couple of anglers and a few walkers. You could be forgiven for thinking you were out in the countryside at this point but the great mass of waste land is a giant brownfield site. I had heard that someone had gained planning permission to construct a number of apartment blocks, in the style of a ships sails, at one of the docks off Pomona Strand but I saw no evidence of this at all.
THROSTLE NEST BRIDGE
I cycled on towards Throstle Nest bridge. In a deep cutting to my left were a number of railway lines and on my immediate right of course was the thick dark green water of the Bridgewater Canal. Beyond the canal the Metrolink trams run on a newly constructed overhead track to Salford Quays and on to the place where the Eccles cakes come from. Just before you reach Throstle Nest Bridge at White City you have to go past the overhead tram stop at Pomona. The tow-path on the south side of the canal which I had been cycling on since Castlefield Quays runs out here and you have to cross the canal by an ancient horse bridge. A quick glance at my watch told me it had taken me twenty five minutes to reach this point. I crossed over but came off the canal here and then crossed the Manchester Ship Canal at Trafford Road swing bridge. (The swing bridge is now welded permanently shut, so big ships can no longer reach Pomona Docks even if they wanted to.)
SALFORD QUAYS
cycled through the maze of offices on the Salford side of the Ship Canal, finding a passage to the north bank (Salford bank) near to the Colgate factory on Ordsall lane. From here on it was an easy ride back towards the city centre and away from Salford Quays as the Ship Canal bank is wide and concrete and firm. I road as far as the Woden Street footbridge which is just about where the Manchester, Salford and Trafford boundaries meet, and where I believe the Ship Canal ends and becomes the River Irwell. It was difficult to ride up this terraced bridge but not impossible. I chose to dismount and take a look at the ever changing view. I say ever changing in the sense that it had changed considerably since I was last there a few months ago.
BRIDGE OVER THE RIVER IRWELL
It's a strange place, if you look eastwards from Woden Street footbridge up the Irwell you can see the Manchester skyline in the distance and in the foreground the many new apartment blocks of the St.Georges Island development come into view. Looking westwards down the Ship Canal you can see Salford Quays and the Old Trafford football ground in the distance. In the foreground to your left is the giant brownfield site of the former Pomona Docks. On your right hand side, which is the Salford bank, a number of tacky warehouses and small manufacturing units litter the space between the Ship Canal and Ordsall Lane. What a waste of space this whole area has become.
MISSED OPPORTUNITY
To give you an idea of the enormity of the size of the place it's roughly the same distance as looking up the River Liffy from O'Connell Street Bridge to Phoenix Park in Dublin or the whole length of The Grand Canal from The Rialto Bridge in Venice. The easiest way to check it out for yourself is to take the Metrolink Tram from G-Mex to Salford Quays on the Eccles Line and you'll pass right through this area. Pay particular attention to the waste land between Cornbrook Station and the next stop at Pomona. It's incredible to think that you could build a whole city centre on this almost forgotten vacant lot. What a missed opportunity for someone! Of course I haven't checked to see if anybody has plans submitted to redevelop this area and the powers that be certainly don't consult me. So, when I say that this is a missed opportunity, I may well be barking up the wrong drainpipe.
BUS DEPOT
I remounted and rode the short distance across the rest of the bridge. I negotiated the dark and gloomy overhead railway arches and emerged into the relative daylight close to the St Georges Island development, which used to be the site of the North Western Bus Company's Depot. As I crossed the Bridgewater Canal on Hulme Hall Road I checked the time. I had been cycling for a full forty minutes now, it must be time to head back. I crossed the busy main Chester Road and took the quiet Barrack Street with its cute little houses. I cycled on past the Doctors Surgery on City Road and continued onto Royce Road crossing over the busier Chorlton Road so as to stay away from the bulk of the traffic.
HULME HIGH STREET
On I rode, crossing Stretford Road and Greenheyes Lane onto the still unfinished Hulme High Street, past Hulme Market and Moss Side Leisure Centre to the junction of Moss Lane. Here I crossed over the busy highway onto the Alexandra Park Estate, following the road around Quinney Crescent to its junction with Great Western Street, where I turned left, managing to cross Princess Road on a green traffic light. Taking the first turn to my right I proceeded in a southerly direction towards Claremont Road and the famous Artie's Barbershop. Total journey time fifty five minutes.
Here are some facts and figures from my 
Fifty five minute ride…
The dry rot church is actually called St Georges.
Dry Rot is the title of one of Nicola Batty's novels.
The Bridgewater Canal is the oldest proper canal in Britain.
Saint Georges Island is built on a former bus depot.
Ziggy is the name of Nicola Batty's wheelchair.
Nic's Doctor is at City Road Surgery Hulme.
The main Chester Road is the A56.
The Hulme Arch spans Princess Road.
The Mancunian Way, A57(M) is the Manchester inner relief route.
Bridgewater Way is the new bit of the A56.
Castlefield Basin, originally Junction, is also known as Castlefield Quays.
The Venetian Church, was built as The Congregational chapel in 1853.
Hulme Lock, Bridgewater Canal - R. Medlock - R. Irwell.
Pomona Lock, Bridgewater Canal - Ship Canal.
The Manchester Ship Canal is Thirty five and a half miles long, two hundred and thirty feet wide and twenty eight feet deep. The fixed road and rail bridges that cross it are more than sixty feet high.
Pomona Strand is an abandoned road at Pomona Docks.
Pomona Docks, Originally (part of) Manchester Docks, now derelict, on the Manchester Ship Canal.
Cornbrook Bridge, stepped access to Bridgewater Canal from Cornbrook Rd.
Royce Road, where the first Rolls Royce car was built.
Salford Quays, formerly piers 6 - 9 in The Port of Manchester.
G-MEX, Greater Manchester Exhibition Centre, formerly Manchester's Central Railway Station.
Princess Road, A5103 - City centre - M56 motorway.
Artie's Barbershop is on Claremont Road, Moss Side.
Moss Lane, Is the home of Hydes Brewery, they now also brew Boddingtons Cask.
Dublin is the capital city of Eire.
Venice has nearly as many miles of canal as Birmingham.
Birmingham, unlike Manchester, doesn't have a Ship Canal, yet!
Throstle Nest Bridge. There used to be a pub on Seymour Grove      called The Throstles Nest.
Metrolink, Manchester's tram system.
Horse bridge. Bridge to allow barge-pulling horses, access to the opposite towpath. 


Monday, June 17, 2013

Wendy Naisa Script #2

MY INVISIBLE MAN
Wendy Naisa

Act Two

WHAT'S THE POINT THEN? 

"He's writing a book you know!" Jon tells Natasha, over a cappuccino at Vegables cafe in Oldham Street. It's raining outside, but that's par for the course, in Manchester.

"It always friggin' rains when you get dressed up like a dogs dinner." Says Natasha, before taking a sip of her frothy coffee.

"You're not listening to me, are you Nat?" Questions Jon, tapping his little finger on the chequered Formica pattern of the round table top in the window seat, where they always sit.

"What?" Asks Natasha, what were you saying, Jon?" She smiles at her long time lover, pursing her violet lippied lips, in a teasing sort of way.

"He's writing a flaming book!" Jon repeats his opening statement.

"Who is?"

"He is!"

"Who's he?"

"You know, him! That Danny fellow, who tells all those funny jokes!"

"I don't think they're funny."

"I know, I don't either, but he does."

"Who does?"

"He does, Danny bloody Wise!"

"His poems are better than his jokes."

"Yeah, yeah, maybe one or two, but the rest are crap! Anyway, that's not the fluming point is it?"

"What's the point then?"

"The point is, he's writing a book!"

Wendy Naisa is an anagram of Andy Sewina.   


Saturday, April 20, 2013

Wendy Naisa script #1


MY INVISIBLE MAN
Wendy Naisa

Act One

IGNITION

“You can’t say you’re invisible and just disappear like that!” Shouts Natasha.

The room is empty and a cold breeze springs-up from somewhere.

“Where are you, where are you hiding?” She screams into the empty, rapidly becoming cavernous room.

She pulls a woolly jumper off the back of a reclining chair and wraps it around her shoulders, pulling it tight like a blanket. ‘Bloody English summers,’ she mutters audibly.

She turns around and faces the window, just as the glass shatters. She ducks then falls to the floor, “bleeding ‘ell!” She shouts.

The room is getting bigger! It’s disintegrating!

“Where have you gone, Jon!” She bellows in a slow, precise, pleading, sort of way.

An electric light bulb shatters and more glass hits the floor.

“Nobody’s invisible, nobody’s invisible, nobody’s invisible.” She rants, over and over again.

Her voice becomes hoarse with chanting. Crouching on the floor she hears a peal of thunder, the ceiling plaster starts to crack. Natasha can’t see it, it’s much too dark in her elongated room.

For a split second the whole space is illuminated by a flash of lightening, a strange and eerie silence is followed by a clock ticking somewhere in the room, tick tock, tick tock.

‘Five, six, seven, eight’ she counts in an animated hoarse whisper.

Her numeration cut short by a thunderous crash. The whole house, the timber frame, the exterior cement, the internal plaster, the bricks and mortar, the breaking of glass, the tangle of electric cables, the twisted water pipes, and then finally the leaking gas pipe ignites!

Wendy Naisa is an anagram of Andy Sewina.


Saturday, April 06, 2013

Something old something new

NaPoWriMo 2013
Okay, it's April and that means National Poetry Writing Month in the USA. For those with poetry blogs, it gives the opportunity to write thirty poems in thirty days. I have been taking part on my SweetTalkingGuy blog since 2009, so this is my fifth year.
COLLECTION
Writing so many pieces in such a short space of time makes for a lot of first draft poems, however I've found that I usually get about six or seven during the month that I can publish. So my idea is to make a collection of the best of my NaPoWriMo posts and publish it as an eBook later this year. You can read my NaPoWriMo posts on my SweetTalkingGuy blog.
SOMETHING OLD
I found an old poetry notebook today while spring cleaning my cupboards, so I'm going to share a couple of oldies with you. (Don't worry, they're very short.)The first one is from November 1982 and the second one dates back to March 1984.
ADVICE?
By the way, if anyone is actually reading this page, the only possible advice I could offer any writer, is for him/her to date their work. I have always done this and every poem I write has a date code beneath it. Looking back over twenty or thirty years I find this to be invaluable.
THREEPENCE
As you down there
in the threepennies know
that poets come two
for a penny
but the star of the show
is a twopenny poet
that's why you get
three for your money
261182
SETTLE
Don't settle for
suburban comforts
why settle for
materialistic things
turn your helicopter
into a gunship
and terminate
your private war
290384
SOMETHING NEW
Finally, I will give you another short piece that I only wrote recently but then discarded, I resurrected it today from my poetry notes file.
AMAZING
Wow, it's amazing
the things that they say
They say things like
What goes up must come down
Time still goes round
if the clock is unwound
Phew, it's amazing
the things that they say
100113



Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Winter writing thing

Based on Luke Prater's poem After Dark,
I wrote the following for the River Muse winter writing thing in January.


URBAN FOX

traffic sat nav midnight heat
bleeps the cell phone when she comes
tarmacadam manic street
god knows we don’t know who’s won

cold and lonely why oh why
chills not thrills bright neon lights
make up runs into his eye
secret urban fox at nights

snorting naughty cut cocaine
motorola masks the sound
from his chauffer driven brain
bumping thumping spinning round

home's where he should phone and be
brooklyn six nine five four three

        20012013

Saturday, February 09, 2013

Comedy Script - #Two


SCRIPT #2
Okay, we’re going to start with a little song I wrote…
it’s got three verses and a bit of a chorus…
you can help me with the chorus!!!

It’s about Janet… or was it Jayne?
I've got this problem with my short term memory…

I get names mixed up… and I can never ever remember faces!…
So, I went to the doctors, and he said ‘How are you?”
And I said “I’m feeling very well, thank you!”
“So why are you here then?” the doctor asks me.
“I can’t remember!” I tell him… “Who are you anyway?… Where am I?”…

Anyway, did I say we were going to do a song?…
This is one of those songs that sounds like something else…  
Remember that Lou Reed song? Vicious!
I always used to think he said Fishes! 
“Only joking… that’s too fishy!…”

Anyway, Janet! or Jayne?…
Is the name of my song…
but it sounds like Janitor Jayne!
The school janitor!!!

It goes like this… Janet or Jayne?
Janet or Jayne?
Did she say Janet!
Or did she say Jayne?
And that’s just the chorus, or half of it… 
the other half is the same after the first two verses,
and slightly different after the final verse…

I went out with this girl last night…
but I can’t remember anything about it…                    
I can’t remember what she looks like either…
But the worst thing is… I can’t remember her name!

I got a phone call this morning, and it said  Jan calling
I thought who the Eccles cakes is Jan?
And then I thought… Jan could be short for Janet…
or for Jayne… so I answered the phone… 
I said “Pronto!” like they do in Italy, only joking, I said “Hello!”

And someone on the other end of the phone said “Hello! Buggerlugs?”
I said “No!… I think you've got the wrong number!”
“That’s strange…” said the voice.
“Only I've just found this phone… 
and your number is the first one in the address book…
and it says that your name is Buggerlugs!”

“I don’t know anyone who calls me that…” I tell her,
“Some people call me Slobberchops!
(do the slobberchops impression) when I go like that!”
(repeat the slobberchops impression) …
then I ask her if her name’s Jan?

“No, she says, my name’s Yan, spelt YAN… 
and the correct pronunciation of it is I Anne!!”
“Okay, I Anne,” I said… where did you find the phone?”
“In the pub toilets!” she says…
and she tells me the name of the pub…
but I’ve forgotten it already!

“Can you tell me which Jan this phone belongs to,
so I can give it them back?” She asks me.
I say “It must belong to Janet… or to Jayne!…
Because I don’t know any one called Jan,
or Yan, or I Anne… apart from you!”

And she says something…
but I can’t remember what she said…

Anyway, weren’t you going to help me with my song?
Let’s do the chorus first…
I’ll sing the first bit, then you repeat it… okay?
(Singing) Janet or Jayne?
Janet or Jayne?
Did she say Janet!
Or did she say Jayne?

(Everybody together) Janet or Jayne?
Janet or Jayne?
Did she say Janet!
Or did she say Jayne?

Nicely! Well done, give yourselves a big round of applause!

If you’ve got two girlfriends,
you’re going to need two phones…  
There’s a song in there somewhere… 
but I can’t remember the tune!…
and if you’ve got two phones,
you’re going to need two pockets…
And if you can’t remember your girlfriends names…
you need to write them on the back of the phones…
but don’t get them mixed up!
The trick is to keep one phone for each girl…
but the problem is you’re going to need a third phone, for everybody else.

Now the problem I’ve got is that one of my girls is called Janet
and the other one is called Jayne…
and sometimes I can’t remember which is which!

Hold on… have we got time for a quick verse?…

If you've got
two girls
you're gonna
need two 'phones.
So when they
call you up +
you're all alone -
and all they want
to do is moan -
you just put
'phone to 'phone
and let them…
moan + moan
and moan!

Believe me… it gets worse!…

I keep Janet’s phone in my left hand pocket…
and I keep Jayne’s phone in my right hand pocket.
But sometimes,
the message Jan calling pops up on one of my phones,
and I don’t know if it’s Jan short for Janet…
or whether it’s Jan short for Jayne…
or whether it’s Jan… Yan… or I Anne…

On the back of my phone it says; Vodaphone
I thought that’s funny, because Voda is the word for water in polish.
Imagine if someone asked you what sort of phone
you've got and you said “It’s a water phone!”
(do the squirt impression)…
maybe it’s like those incabloc watches… you can take it swimming with you…

The phone rings and you answer,
“Hello!, I’m in the shower!” you say.
And the person on the other end of the blower says,
 “okay, I’ll ring you back in a bit!”
And you reply “It’s okay, you can talk to me now, I've got a vodaphone!”

It gets worse…

In Poland they say maly voda, which means little water,
but when they say mowe voda they really mean vodka!
The Polish fellow said, “ I've got a mowe vodaphone!”
his mate said “I think he’s been on the vodka!”

I keep a third phone on vibrate in my trouser pocket…
that Lee Evans  has got one in his back pocket…
and when it rings… he goes like this… (Do the Lee Evans impression)

Last time someone rang me,
I was talking to Janet…
or was it Jayne?
And she said “Is that your phone buzzing?
Or are you just pleased to see me?”…

I can’t remember what I said to Janet, when she came… 
I probably called her Jayne!

It’s a terrible thing this short term memory loss…
what was I just saying?…
Oh, yeah… the song,
we all know the chorus now…
don’t we?…
I’ll do the verses…
and you can do the chorus’ with me…
Okay!!!

I was strolling down
a country lane
when I saw a girl
so I asked her name
she said Janet!
or was it Jayne?
(chorus, all together)
Janet or Jayne?
Janet or Jayne?
did she say Janet!
or did she say Jayne?
Janet or Jayne?
Janet or Jayne?
did she say Janet!
or did she say Jayne?
(second verse)
The next time I went
down that lovers lane
she was standing
there again…
I said Janet?
and she said Jayne!
(chorus, all together)
Janet or Jayne?
Janet or Jayne?
did she say Janet!
or did she say Jayne?
Janet or Jayne?
Janet or Jayne?
did she say Janet!
or did she say Jayne?
(last verse)
So that was the end
of my would be flame
I simply forgot to
remember her name!
Did she say Janet?
No, she said Jayne!
(chorus, all together)…
but the second half of the chorus is different…
this time it’s a repeat of the end of  the last verse…  
Did she say Janet? No, she said Jayne!
Janet or Jayne?
Janet or Jayne?
did she say Janet!
or did she say Jayne?                                                                                                                             Janet or Jayne?
Janet or Jayne?
did she say Janet?
No, she said Jane!

Thank you!…
Give yourselves another BIG, BIG round of applause!!!

Anyway,  I’m no good with phones,
the problem is you need three hands
to answer one phone and a pair of glasses
to figure out which buttons to press,
so my mate said “Why don’t you try the internet?”… 
He said, “You can have one of those social
networking accounts like facebook or my-space
where everybody has a profile picture!”

I said, “That sounds more like it!”
So I joined SpaceFace!
and everyone’s got their own picture,
Janet’s got a helmet on hers…
with a clear visor and a big pair of
red Australian glasses and loads of lipstick!
She’s easy… to remember.
Jayne’s got a tinted visor on her helmet,
so I can’t really see what she looks like…
but I know it’s her… by the picture!

I've got an inside out corn-flake box on my head…
with a square cut out at the front…
so you can see who I am…
but I had my welding glasses on,
on the day they took the photo…
So, you can’t really see me…
but I know who I am…
at least I think I do!

Underneath my face, on the chin bit,
there’s some writing that always baffles me.
It says CKWA which is an anagram of Wack!
I couldn't figure it out for a bit,
and then I remembered that I’d written
BACKWARDS forwards in wax crayon
on the bottom of the cardboard cut-out
before I made it into a helmet for Space Face
and CKWA are pretty much the middle letters of
backwards but the whole word was too long for the picture…
at least I think that’s what happened!

Anyway, I went back to the doctors,
and he sent me to see a specialist…
I said to the specialist,
“Is there something wrong with my brain doctor?”
And he said “No, there’s nothing wrong with your brain doctor!”
I said “Thank god for that!
I thought you were going to do an operation, for a minute!”
He said “Sit down, I’m the brain sturgeon,”
“Only joking, that’s too fishy!”…

He said “Sit down, I’m the brain surgeon, (sorry about that)
there’s nothing wrong with me…
but you’re going to need an operation sooner or later!”…
if you don’t want to lose your memory completely!”

He had a Black and Decker drill on his desk
and a box of stainless steel drill-bits…
and a club hammer and a very sharply pointed chisel
and a Stanley knife.

I took one look at his instruments, and I said
“Is there any alternative?”
And he shook his head vigorously, and said “No!”
I said  “Will I need the full operation, Doctor?”
He said “No, we won’t need to shave your head!…”

Okay, what they do is…
and I saw this on the telly, so it must be true!…
what they do is they drill a little hole in the bottom of your head…
then they poke the pointy chisel in the hole…
and give it a few whacks with the club hammer…
and your whole skull splits in half…
it’s still connected to your face and your skin…
they just twiddle it about… making Space Face

I’ll tell you who had it done, that Russian fellow,
Gorbachev! Did you see that mark on his head?… 
It’s where they cracked it open!…
but when they drill the hole,
they keep all the bits of skull dust…
and they mix a bit of glue with it…
to stick you back together again…
So, I asked the doctor if I’d be able to remember
things better after the operation.
And do you know what he said? (shaking my head)
No neither do I! I can’t remember a bloody thing!
Did I have the operation? I don’t know, I can’t remember!

But what I do remember is what my pet robot said,
he said: (In a robotic voice)
Scared afraid of Black and Decker doctors. 
Doctors chasing me with knives and hammers. 
Hammers hitting chisels into my skull. 
Skull thuggery! that’s what those doctors do.  
Do they have to tell you that you might die. 
Die if you have the op - die if you don’t! 
Don’t they know that I’m scared stiff already. 
All ready to have your operation? 
Operation knives are sterilized phew! 
Phew, there’s no turning back they’re going through. 
Through my head to improve my brain, remove...   
Remove my brain? they've got to find it first! 
First thing I thought when they told me of this. 
This is the worst thing DIY I’m scared.

That’s what my pet robot said!…

I came in a taxi tonight, it was ten quid, 
and I only live across the road.
So I said, "I've only got a fiver!"
The taxi driver said, "Do you want to phone a friend?"
I said, "Yes please!"
But my phone wouldn't work.
He said "What sort of phone is it?"
I said, "It's a Nokia!" 
"No it won't work!" he said, "this is a Korean car! No Kia!
Do you want to ask the audience?"
I said "Yeah! and that's why I'm here tonight, 
I haven't got any jokes to tell you, I just need a deep sea
diver to pay Sam Sung outside!"

GOODNIGHT
15122011

Clink the link to Script - #1